Posted by: Rose's Daughter | January 15, 2009

Guess who’s coming to dinner.

Guess who came to visit? YES! AF!!!!

I have never been so happy to see her in all my life.  Like I told C-Dub, this means my body is back to normal( well, you know what I mean!)  This means that I can actively TTC!!!

In a way I am excited, and in a way, I am dreading it.  I hate TTC.  I hate waking up and remembering to stick a thermometer in my mouth.  I hate checking my underwear every 5 minutes to try and see what kind of mucous I am getting.  I hate sticking my own fingers up my va-jay jay!  I hate OPK’s and the 2WW and the 1WW and the constant “am I?” I hate hate POAS! I hate stalking my own chart and others like it! I HATE IT, HATE IT HATE IT!

But on the other hand, the possibility, the excitement, the feeling that I am actively doing something!  That I have some sort of control is wonderful.

But I am so scared.  What if I don’t succeed again? What if it takes me another whole year? What if I TTC for another year and nothing happens?  What is the last time was the only time? What if it was a fluke?  What if something is wrong with one of us?  Or, what if I miscarry again?

I don’t think I could take it.  I don’t think my marriage could.

Anyway, I’m going down for a shot of tequila.  Surely, that will put everything into perspective here.


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Responses

  1. Please go get that tequila – I thought your head was about to explode for a second!

    How about this one – What if you conceive this year and have a beautiful healthy baby? I think you will.

    Now I’m thinking positively for you 😉

  2. Wooosaaaahhh! Take some deep breaths, let them out and stop playing that “What If” game! Stay with that feeling of excitement and prayerfully all will be well!
    *big hug*


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