Posted by: Rose's Daughter | February 16, 2009

You know, I’m trying to put things into perspective here. 

Today was a bad day. 

I dreamed this morning that I was holding my baby in my arms.  I woke up, quietly cried in the bathroom, peed on a stick, saw the negative and tried to move on.  My “trainers” at work were both missing in action.  I started the day in a state of confusion, not knowing what to do.  I acted very excited for two patients today who discovered that they were pregnant.   With twins.  I answered the “so do you have kids” question calmly and reasonably, twice.  I checked my underwear every 5 minutes for signs of the witch.  Just out of curiosity, I talked to an adoption agency today who said, “$25000 for a white baby but $5000 for a black one.”  I made a payment of my credit card  and the balance still made me want to choke.  C-Dub had the nerve to question the fact that I decided not to go to the gym.  I worked all day, came home, cooked  and cleaned up.  Even though there was somebody home all day.  I got off of Facebook after way too many people had babies as their profile pictures.  I read Murgdan’s Blog and was sadly reminded of the trials and tribulations of baby making sex vs making love.  And the fact that  I haven’t felt like “makin love” in god knows how long. Wow.  I peed on four sticks in the last 4 days and they all said negative in their own funky little ways.  Aunt Flow has still not arrived.

I’m trying to be positive today, and look on the bright side.  Trying to get past adversity.  But reality keeps smacking me in the ass:

I’m not pregnant.

I have gained 20 pounds.

My husband doesn’t have a job.

We fight all the time over stupid things, and big things, and nothing.

I really have no interest in sex.  Unless it’s to make a baby. 

If  we have to move on to IUI, IVF,  or anything like that, I can’t afford to do a damn thing about it.

I am tired.

I can’t sleep.

I think I’m depressed.

This sucks.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. I’m so sorry. There are so many things you listed that stabbed me in the heart. I’m so sorry.

  2. Damn! I feel you on so many levels. I’m sorry sweetie, I’m still praying for you.

  3. I’m right there with you…I’m just tired of it all, you know? Yeah, I know you know. I’m not going to tell you to stay positive because I hate that…this sucks and you have a right to be mad. I’m mad too. It will get better though, it has to.

  4. I feel you friend, you know I do. I wish I had the words to truly comfort you, but I don’t. This is where you have to walk on faith and believe that it will get better.
    *big giant hug*

  5. I totally hate that bad things happen to really good people. I hope things start to turn around for you soon. You’re far to nice a person to have to deal with all this crap all the time.

    **hugs**

  6. I feel you on most of the above, but I have a 12-yr old son from a teenaged relationship. I have gone mad with this TTC mess and boring sex, and now thinking of an affair-but hopefully it will pass before I do something stupid.

  7. Thanks for the support everyone.

  8. I’m so so sorry you’re having such a hard time. I wish this was easier on all of us. What’s “making love?” I only know how to “make babies” but… oh wait… I haven’t made one. Hope you start feeling cheered up soon.

    ICLW

  9. I’m sorry your day was so horrible. I hope your week improved a bit. Maybe doing a little something for yourself will help? I’m thinking about ya and sending you a hug.
    *ICLW*

  10. Man, that’s a sucktastic day. Many ((HUGS)).

    ICLW

  11. Bad day.. it is okay because the rest of the week will be sooo much better!

  12. I think a break is a good thing. After my last miscarriage I took a break for a while just because I could not take any more disappointment. I think it does help. Good luck to you!

  13. Sometimes a mental health break is a necessity (especially after a loss). I hope you can start enjoying life again and, when you do start TTC again, I hope success comes quickly.

    ~ICLW

  14. My husband and I aren’t in the baby frame of mind just yet, but I can see how all the measuring and monitoring could really become tedious and become more of a hindrance than a help. It’s always good to take a break and a deep breath, no matter what you’re focusing on.

    ICLW

  15. Sorry your day was so ugly. Hopefully the week will go better.

    ICLW

  16. You know what, it’s hard…

    I was at that point, where everything was about TTC. Then after the failed trial, I just didn’t want to give up. But gradually I realized that my sanity was at stake. And while I don’t remember ever really making the decision, I know we’ve finally backed off. I can’t make myself chart anymore…it makes me crazy.

    Huge hugs

    ICLW

  17. Just wanted to send you a (((HUG))). I get the pain. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.

    ICLW

  18. I’m sorry this is so hard right now. If it makes you feel any better I am going through some of that same stuff right now. It is sooo annoying to me when people question whether I worked out or went to the gym. As if I don’t have enough to worry about now I have to start thinking about someone paying attention to my workout schedule.

    Good luck with all of this and I hope you find your peace.

    ICLW

  19. hey hun—I got my BFN accompanied by the period this month on valentine’s day—-i was stupid and convinced myself that finally I’ll get that positive and it can conveniently be my husband’s valentines day surprise! I had all the symptoms (just like i think i do every other month–grrrr), tender breasts, “implantation” cramping, not to mention perfectly timed intercourse according to the damn Fertility friend site. I bought my husband a card….and a really cute T-shirt on clearance at target that says, “I’m a daddy’s girl” (my husband is convinced that our first will be a girl!). And BOOM. Happy valentine’s day to me! 😦 SO i feel ya hun.

    anyway i enjoyed stopping by your blog today!

    Laura

    ICLW

  20. It all sucks. I know the temping every morning was making me a whack-job and screwing up my sleeping.

    A break is sometimes a much needed thing. *hugs*

    ICLW

  21. I hear you. My doctor has been telling me to try to detach from everything…obviously easier said than done but I am really starting to understand what she’s saying. This morning I woke up and just felt like I couldn’t stand being devastated for another day (after freaking out yesterday). So I tried to act a bit in denial and it seemed to work somewhat. I think a break is often just what the doctor ordered. Just to feel moments of joy in the rest of your life. I hope you find some while you’re on yours!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: