Posted by: Rose's Daughter | March 13, 2009

2 am Wake Up Call

I thought things couldn’t get much worse.

I was wrong.

I don’t think I’ll be blogging much for a while.

C-Dub needs all of my attention.

Right under my nose, he’s been going down hill.  Right under my nose.

Last night, he told me that he had thought about killing himself that day.

Killing himself.

He tells me this at 2am.  After he spent the whole afternoon snapping at me and then giving me the silent treatment.

Finally, I gave up, and just went to bed.  Once he decides to give me the silent treatment, I can most of the time talk him out of it.  But I wasn’t in the mood last night.

So at 2 am, he wakes me up, trying to have sex.  I’m like, wait, hold up, up you weren’t even speaking to me and now you want me to just roll over and let you go for it?

Then, we rehash the old “you never treat me like a man, you never listen to me, you never value my opinion” argument.

OK.

I’m tired of this argument.  Because it’s not true.  Never has been.  But since December(when he got laid off) this has been his argument.  I’m starting to believe there is something to it.

Then, he complains that all I do is come home and go to sleep.  Well, I know that.  I’ve  been so tired.  I think I’m depressed too.  It’s bad to have two depressed people in a household.

Who supports who?

But anyway, back to the 2 am wake up call.

Finally, the argument winds down and he just out of the blue says it:

“Today I thought about killing myself.”

He feels like a failure as a man.  He keeps saying:

“You don’t need me.”

“What am I contributing?”

“What use am I?”

“I feel like I’m a failure?”

No matter how much I protest, we always come back to this. 

Always.

I’m fighting the battles, but loosing the war.

Our couple’s counseling is not until March 25th.  That’s 12 days from now.

We both need help.

Fast

QUICK.

NOW.

He has an uncle who just lost his mind one day.  Bipolar.  C-Dub thinks he might end up that way.

I can’t even conceive thinking about TTC now.  Bringing a baby into the world with us as parents right now would not be a good thing.  NOT a good idea.

So. As much as it pains me:

I’m  going to stop TTC.

Put it on hold.

Stop.Trying.To.Have.A.Baby.

The added stress will can break the camel’s back.

Maybe if I hadn’t been so wrapped up in ME and what I want, I might have seen that my sweetheart, my world, my life was drowning.

So, you might not hear from me for a while.  I might not comment on your blogs.  I might read, but maybe not I’ve got to put my marriage first for a while.

Please, if you pray, pray for us.  If you hope, hope for us.  If you cross your fingers……….

Advertisements

Responses

  1. wow, I will be praying for you. hang in there. ((hugs))

  2. I wish I could help. (That is the nurse in me coming out.) If he is thinking about killing himself, he may need help sooner than 2 weeks from now. This is just my perspective, so please take that for what it is worth.

    My Hubby went through some of this. It was at a point when I was really unhappy, and the only thing which could make me happy was for me to leave. And I mean physically leave where we were living and go somewhere I could be happy. Hubby felt like a failure. Especially with the male factor diagnosis at the same time. For him, it felt like he could not do anything right. He went into a slight depression. We got through it, but it was not easy for a while.

  3. I have just started reading your blog and I am so sorry you are going through this. You will be in my thoughts & prayers.

  4. I will be thinking about you during this difficult time in your life. Depression is terrifying and difficult, and it’s even worse to see someone close to you, someone you depend on go through it. My mother is bi-polar, manic depressive and I know how crazy it made ME feel growing up.

    You’re making the right choice by taking a TTC break, even though I know how hard of a choice that is. If you EVER need someone to talk to about dealing with C-Dub’s depression, please don’t hesitate to contact me. Real and true depression (not just “having the blues”) is a really hard thing to deal with and you don’t have to do it alone. *HUGS*

  5. Omg, thank god he said something to you! He must have been holding this in for a long time. Take a break and take care of your family. We’ll be praying for you both. Check in once in a while to let us know you’re ok. Take care. All my *hugs* go out to you both.

  6. I am there for you as much as I can be online. It is so, so hard when both parts of the couple are hurting so bad. If you are interested, I have a couple of book recommendations, but only if you are interested (they can both be good for getting to a positive place). Ditto on the checking back in here to let us know that you are ok (or not). Even a line or two will do. Hugs hugs hugs. I’m so sorry.

  7. Do what you have to do to take care of you & C-Dub. I’m with BrownEyedGirl, I’m glad he said something to you. Call your therapist and let them know that you need guys need to be seen NOW!! You know I’m praying for you two and I’m here if you need me! *Big Hug*

  8. I will be praying for you girlie! It is really hard for a man- especially a black man- to feel that he is not contributing. My hubby gets that feeling sometimes because at his regular job he does not make as much as I…. in the long run you just be there for him and try to help him see that you signed up for better or for worse and this is the worse. Suicide is real… it did not used to be for our culture but now it is… had a cousin attempt it.. weird and strange how he thought everyone would be better off without him. Counseling will help but maybe prayer together is better. Have you watched Fireproof? I blogged about it.. great movie. I bought the Love Journal and plan to work through the 40 days with my hubby. Consider it. It may do wonders! *Hug*

  9. You need to get him to someone NOW. Even if it’s taking him to the emergency room. Keep us posted and I am thinking good thoughts for you.

  10. Hi,
    I am so sorry to hear what you both are going through. Here’s some news that might bring you some peace. I am a licensed therapist and it’s extremely common for people who are depressed to have suicidal ideations. This means that the person has no plan– just thinks the world might be better off w/out them. I myself have been there and TTC after 3 miscarriages has brought the ideations on like nobody’s business. A couple things have helped. Stopped TTC for a little while– like you I decided it was too much stress, and I am taking high doses of EPA fish oil. Many studies show– it’s as effective as Prozac. It’s called Plus EPA by minami nutrition. It’s a little pricey but worth it. I know what you mean about the babies though– My reproductive endocrinologist cannot see me bc she’s on maternity leave and every other friend as well. Be well and know you have many prayers coming to you. Also know that your words bring solace and smiles to folks that really need that.

    Dawn


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: