Posted by: Rose's Daughter | March 31, 2009

late night ramblings

I was just having a moment reading a post by Baby Smiling.  Why do infertiles/women who have had trouble staying or getting pregnant, feel so guilty when we do?  Why do we feel guilty for complaining about feeling bad?  I try to be so grateful for every pregnancy symptom reminding myself that they all mean that the Baby Bean is still kicking.  But I hate feeling guilty.  But I can’t help it.  I want to shout with joy and be like any other regular normal woman and just complain and not be afraid.  I want to be oblivious to everything that can happen.  I just want to enjoy being pregnant.  But I can’t.

I am afraid almost every minute of the day that I will go to the bathroom(like last time) and see pink on the toilet paper.  I am afraid that in 2 weeks I will go to my 1st ob appointment, and there will be nothing.

Nothing.

Again.

I try not to wallow in these thoughts consciously.  But they lurk behind that door in my mind that sometimes swings open and lets them out.  And I don’t know how to stop it.

But for today……

I am pregnant today.

Today, I am pregnant.

Please God.  Let me stay that way.

Please.

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Responses

  1. For me, a big part of the guilt is that I’ve heard so many others complain and resented it. In my mind, “Boo hoo, I wish I had your problems.” Just like my friend who complains all the time because he makes over $250k and under Obama’s tax plan will be taxed at a much higher rate than before. Cry me a river, buddy.

    Another part of the guilt is not wanting other infertiles to hear me complaining and resent it. I’m still one of them. I haven’t gone to the other side, really. I know how lucky I am. If I didn’t have an IF blog, this aspect of the guilt wouldn’t be as strong as it is.

    Then there’s the part about not wanting the babies/the universe to get the wrong idea. “If these side effects are so awful for you, we’ll just take it all away.”

  2. I am a couple days behind you and I so hear you on the anxiety. I don’t worry about the peeing because I’m on progesterone and the way my body responds to that, I can keep the embryo until I’m 80 if I want even if it is dead already (yeah, gross idea). But the 7th week ultrasound? That’s when we found out last time that there was no HB. I almost hyperventilate when I think about going to that appointment. Not looking forward to it.

  3. *hugs* Faith over fear is all we can hope to strive for. I know that when I finally do get pregnant again, it’s going to be scary sometimes…

    There’s nothing wrong with feeling happy about being pregnant. Try not to feel guilty, you deserve this! There’s also nothing wrong with complaining a little bit once in a while. 😉 The universe still knows you’re grateful.

  4. I think it’s because you are a good person and you know what it’s like to hear other people say “I’m pregnant!” and want it to be you…you know that pain and you don’t want to cause others pain. Here’s the thing, people who know how hard it was for you to get pregnant and people who have problems getting pregnant (or in my case, staying that way…), we will always be happy for you. Always. But we will be a little sad for ourselves (and I hate that but I’ve learned to live with it). Don’t feel guilty, know that we are happy for you.

  5. I.F. steals so many joys from us. We are unable to enjoy the things that normal fertiles will take for granted.

  6. Girl, we are so happy for you. Your story and words give us all hope. Please do not feel guilty if you can help it. You will be a hundred times more sensitive than most, to all of us who are still waiting and hoping. I love your mantra. “Today I am pregnant” and plan to borrow it when my time comes.

    with many prayers and smiles,

    Dawn

  7. Hey, cool tips. Perhaps I’ll buy a bottle of beer to the person from that forum who told me to go to your site 🙂


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