Posted by: Rose's Daughter | August 14, 2009

I’m just really trying to understand

OK, I am 25 weeks pregnant, and I work at an IVF clinic.  So yes, daily, I see women who are struggling with infertility, recurrent losses, failed cycles, and a host of other problems.  I understand that having a pregnant nurse can be hard.  That’s why I never mention it, I always have a smile, I am courteous, helpful, and I am  always willing to listen.  For the first half of my pregnancy, I even tried to hide it for as long as I could.

Now, I can’t hide it anymore.

A patient today, who is doing a donor egg cycle, who hadn’t seen me in a few months said….

“Soooooo, you’re pregnant.”

“Yes” (that was it no elaboration, nothing else.)

“Well, you know you are going to have a lot of jealous patients around here.”

OK, what do I say?

“You might want to try to hide that.”

OK. Deep breath.

Hide that?

HIDE THAT?

Are you shitting me?

Now, I have always been conscious of the fact that I am a pregnant woman working around women who can’t get pregnant. 

But when I was a non pregnant person working around pregnant people, laboring people, people with babies, I NEVER , EVER EVER considered telling someone to HIDE THAT.

WTF?

I suffered greatly when I went to a baby shower of a friend the day after I had my D&C.  I suffered when I helped her deliver her baby when my own baby was gone and I was shattered beyond belief, barely holding myself together.   But she was my friend.  I suffered everyday when I worked in Labor and Delivery when I wasn’t pregnant month after month of trying.   I went to work two days after I found out there was no heartbeat at 10+ weeks and everybody knew.  I worked with pregnant co workers and patients, delivering babies with my own dead baby still inside of me. 

Weeping inside. 

Screaming inside. 

That was my job.  But I still managed to be nice and  pleasant and only had good things to say to what seemed like EVERYONE else in the world who was pregnant but me.  Why take out my problems on someone else? It wasn’t their fault.

I just don’t understand.  The comment really hurt my feelings.  I could understand where she was coming from, but to actually say it?

That hurt.

On the one hand, I have to say she had balls to say it. 

But on the other hand….

I am PROUD!!

  DAMN PROUD and HAPPY to be proud of my belly, of my pregnancy!  I’ve waited too long for this, and I’ll be DAMNED if I hide it!  I’m sensitive, I don’t bring it up, but hide it?

Not in this lifetime.

It brings up a good question:

Would any of you do this? Have you? Do you think I should “hide that”? And if so, why?

I’m really, reallymad and  just trying to understand.

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Responses

  1. No I don’t think you should hide it….As you said you waited a LONG time for it, and you should be proud of it. You aren’t rubbing their faces in it, it is just a fact. My DH wants to post on facebook that we are expecting…..he has waited his whole life and is so very excited that finally it is our turn. So far, I have said no, because I am thinking of all those who may be in the same place we were….but he is so very happy and wants so much to tell everyone…..still considering it.

    I would be so mad too….

  2. Don’t hide your belly, you’ve earned it! And I can guarantee you any of your IF patients who finds themselves lucky enough to get pregnant would be flaunting it too! Yes some of your patients will be upset by it, but think of those who will look at you as a sign of hope!

  3. hi, i just came across your blog and i wanted to tell you that you should not hide your pregnancy, and i used a fertility clinic for seven months before i finally got pregnant. i never in a million years would have said something like that to anyone there had they been pregnant. most people dealing with infertility probably wouldn’t have the audacity to say something like that, but there are some who are coming from such a horrible emotional place, they probably can’t help themselves. don’t feel bad!

  4. She sounds bitter and angry. Not that that gives her the excuse, but you can (sortof) see where she comes from. I know Bitter and Angry, I was their older mis-behaved sister Pissedthefuckoff. But, like you, I would never say that to someone for exactly the reasons listed here. She doesn’t know you, and she doesn’t know how hard you tried and how long it took, and how excited you deserve to be! She needs a wake-up call in the form of a manners lesson.

  5. I can understand that it might be painful for an infertility patient to have a pregnant nurse, but I think it was awfully rude of her to suggest that you hide it. After a certain point, there is absolutely no way to hide it, even if you wanted to.

    Would you consider sharing with patients that you also struggled with infertility and loss and are now finally pregnant? It certainly hurt me less to know that the pregnant person in front of me had been through it too. My RE’s nurses all seemed to be very fertile and were not really able to relate. I think it would have been really helpful to have a nurse that had been through it too and totally got it. Maybe you could emphasize it as good advertising for your clinic!

  6. What that patient said was not cool at all. Totally uncalled for. As a fertility clinic patient myself, I know how much it really sucks to need meds/technology to get pregnant and how we spend all that time and money never sure if it will work or stick. Pregnant ladies are everywhere so she should grin and bear it or simply don’t ask about the bump under your shirt if she can’t take it. I had a pregnant NP do my first IUI, I just wanted some of her mother vibes to rub off on me!

  7. I don’t know your history because I just stumbled on to this post with the tag surfer feature. I just wanted to say that the woman who said that is out of her mind! My thinking is the complete opposite; that you are an inspiration to those women. Obviously from what you wrote, you were not one of those women who just got pregnant accidentally or something but you are someone who can relate to them. Maybe you could subtly point that out by saying something like, “It wasn’t easy for me to get here either. Let’s hope you are next!” Seriously, how rude can someone be… I’m sorry she said that. I hope she realized afterward how awful it sounded.

  8. Interesting question. On the one hand, I understand where she’s coming from. On the other hand, you’ve got every right to be proud of your accomplishments, especially since you’ve gone through a loss yourself. I would have explained to that woman (though she doesn’t need an explanation from you) that you have also gone through a loss and have experienced what its like to not be pregnant while others are around you and that you’ve finally gotten past that hurdle (notice the growing belly) and that its now your turn to be a proud mama, just as hopefully she will when the DE cycle takes for her. She needs to know that you’re not one of those “lucky” fertile people who take pregnancy for granted.

  9. She has no idea what you have been through to get where you are. Next time she comes in, share your story with her. , I’m sure she’ll soften up on her position of having you “Hide That”.


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