I’m thinking about changing the name of my blog.  The baby is made, and I don’t know if there will be any others.  But that begs the question, do I want this blog to become a Mommy blog? Is it already a Mommy blog? But I don’t want to totally gloss over my experiences as a whole, but I feel like I need to take the next step and re focus my blog to my life NOW.  And of course, that life includes working and being a mom.  Right now, that is my life, and that is what I’ll be blogging about.

Hmmmmmmmmmm.  Any suggestions? Thoughts?

Nights.

Well, my first night back was OK.

I mean, it was great to see old friends.  Working on a nursing unit is like having a family.  You miss them when you are gone.  I loved having adult conversation with other new moms(there are 5 of us with babies under 4 months, all pumping at the same time).  But I was missing the Pookah all night.  I was awake all night. I was actually jealous of C-Dub that he got to wake up and feed the Pookah.  Pookah is taking the bottle now like a champ.  SO much so that he is beginning to not like waiting for the “let down” that comes with breastfeeding. He’s getting used to the instant gratification of the bottle.  So even though I am using the slow flow nipples, Pookah is developing a preference.  I don’t know how I feel about that.  I’ve grown to love it when he breastfeeds. It’s our time together.  Just me and him.  I know it’s irrational, but I’m jealous any time anyone else feeds him.  It’s like they are encroaching on MY time with him.  I know he’ll stop breastfeeding eventually, but I’m finding that I am not ready for that yet.  I hate pumping.  I don’t want to give him formula.  But I have a feeling that soon, he is going to prefer the bottle over me.  It feels sort of like rejection.  Irrational huh?

But anyway, the first night back to work was not as bad as I was anticipating.  I got to pump 3 times in 12 hours. I got about 30 oz.   Which is good.  He took  five three oz bottles last night.  Geez. My only consolation is that he didn’t sleep any better for C-Dub than he does for me.  Ha Ha 

But……today…when I got home. Blah.  I was lucky because it’s a Saturday, and C-Dub is here.  So he basically kept Pookah and came to me for feedings.  I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo exhausted.  I don’t even remember feeding Pookah most of the time.  I just remember waking up to find my nipple is his ear, or in his neck with milk dribbling everywhere.  Good Lord! What am I going to do when it’s just me?  I got up around 130 this afternoon and Pookah promptly ate and is now sleeping the day away. 

Anyway, I go back to work Monday night, then next Thursday.  Since my mom is going home Monday morning, we’ll see how I do on Tuesday on my own.  I’m kind of scared.

The Pookah is stirring so I have to wrap this up.

Just one more thing…………

GEAUX SAINTS! WHO DAT!

Back to work…..For real

Tonight is going to be my first night back at work. 

DId you hear? My first NIGHT back at work.

I am NOT looking forward to it. 

I could have put this night off, but that would have required me to work a 12 hour day shift.  Which would have meant being away from the Pookah for 14 hours(if you add in travel), during the day. 

Hell no.

It was bad enough missing 9 hours.  Fourteen?  This is why I decided to work nights.   It was the lesser of two evils.

But I still don’t want to go to work tonight.  I don’t want to work ever! 

There, I’ve said it.  I want to be a stay at home mom.

Shit.

Never thought I’d be the one.

Now, the question becomes, what do I do about it?

A busy week back

Well, my first week back has come and gone. 

We survived.

Pookah started off resisting the bottle hard.  But by the end of the week, he was downing 3 ounces at a time 3 times in 8 hours.  Just like he should.  He has decided that he loves the Playtex Vent Air bottles with the slow flow nipples.  He is still resisting the pacifier though.  I can’t decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

Can you say, RELIEF!

I’m soooooo relieved.  I was convinced that he would starve while I was gone.  So while he survived my first week back, so did I. 

I start my first night shift back on Friday night.  Twelve hours away from the Pookah seems like waaaaay too long.  (And that’s just the 12 hours working.  Add in travel time and that equals about 14 hours. )  I made sure he still managed to get in a bottle every day that I’ve been home.  But he still won’t take the bottle if he knows I am in the house, and he refuses to take one from me at all.  And when I get home from being out, he nurses forever. 

But this week also started the deliberate smiles he gives me when I get home.  And the obvious happiness he displays when C-Dub gets home.  He’s even starting to hold out his arms and lean towards the person he wants to hold him.

Also, he is trying to turn over, but hasn’t quite managed it yet.  He does however, hold his head up steady with no wobbling at all!

I am still being a bad mother and letting him sleep on his stomach.  Only during the day though. 

So, it’s been a busy week.  I’m exhausted really, and that is why my google reader has 347 posts to read.  So I’m sorry if I haven’t responded to anyone’s posts lately.  I’m trying to read and catch up with everyone, but it’s hard!  The only reason I keep up on Facebook and twitter is because I do it at 3 am while breastfeeding!

Anyway, got to go now.  Pookah is napping(finally, after resisting for 3 hours) and I am going to try to have some dinner and nap myself.

Until later…….

First day back…..

I worried ALL day about my boy.

I could barely concentrate on orientation at work. ( not that you need to anyway)

I texted my mother all morning long.  No answer.

My mind was veering to horrible images of the Pookah screaming his lungs out. 

Finally, around 11(4 hours after I had fed him), my mother texted me to say he took a few “sips”. 

Sips?????

Ok, at least he wouldn’t starve, I thought.  But he needs more than a few sips.

I fretted, I tried to pump but got only 2 oz from both breasts.  2oz?????  You know I had to be stressed.

I did however redeem myself two hours later by pumping out 6 oz total.

But finally, around 1 pm, I got this text:

“He sipped about 2 oz”

I was never so happy in my life!!!  My baby wouldn’t starve!!!!!

But then I got to thinking,  2 oz in 8 hours away from his mommy??? This from a little guy who usually eats every 2 to 3 hours on the dot and sometimes more???

I rushed home, and he looked so pitiful, he was whining, gearing up for a big cry.  And it stopped when he saw me.

I have never in my life felt such a rush of love as I did at that moment.  I gathered him close and of course he let me know right away that he was HUNGRY!

And now, he has been passed out for the last 2 1/2 hours.

I have the feeling that it’s going to be a long night………..

Here I am on the eve of returning to work, and I am horrified.

Depressed. 

Anxious. 

 Trying to calm myself down.

The Pookah has refused almost every bottle/nipple known to man.  I even tried a sippy cup.  But he just cries pitifully and pushes them all away.  And when I finally can’t take it anymore and give him the boob, he looks at my with such accusation in his eyes! 

And so does C-Dub by the way.  The look is identical really. Scary.

 I HAVE to go back to work.  No choice really.  We need to pay the mortgage next month.

I don’t want to go!!!!!  What if he doesn’t eat the whole time that I am gone?  What if he screams and cries and makes himself and everyone around him miserable the whole week that I am on orientation?  How am I going to manage to pump enough this week  to keep my supply up?  Hell, where am I going to pump, the bathroom?

C-Dub of course isn’t helpful, he has this whole attitude that it’s not going to work and that we should have started him on the bottle from the beginning.

Yeah, he’s real supportive. 

 I feel like my head is going to blow up I am so stressed.  And I know that stress can decreased your supply, but really, how do I reduce stress when I know my baby won’t eat?

I don’t want to go back to work.  I want to stay home with my baby.   All the time.

I never thought it would be ME saying that.  But the very idea that I have to leave him for 10-14 hours at a time, is not sitting well with me at all. 

NOT. AT. ALL. 

I am not looking forward to tomorrow. 

I don’t want to leave my baby.

getting desperate

4 days left…….

I’m hiding again.

Once again my friends, we are attempting another bottle. 

Last night’s attempt went HORRIBLY!

That bottom lip quiver thing he has going on is really going to be the death of me.

But I’ve decided to try different nipples.  We were using the Dr Brown’s nipples before he decided he didn’t want them anymore.  We tried the Avent bottles/nipples last night. 

BIG FAT FAIL!

So tonight, we are trying the Breastflow bottles by First Year.  It’s supposed to be most like a breast in terms of the way the baby sucks to get the milk. 

But wait….I hear wailing…………

I told C-Dub to give it 20 minutes.  No more. 

No need to torture him.

Sigh………..

I’m getting desperate here………………………………….

He just wont do it

SOOOO.

Yes, I’ve been missing in action.  I of course, have a lot to say, and little time to say it.  But the most pressing thing I want to talk about right now is this:

I start back to work next week, and Pookah won’t take a bottle.

 I’ve tried different nipples, I’ve tried different people giving him the bottle, I’ve tried not being in the room, I’ve tried giving it to him when he’s hungry and giving it to him when he is semi hungry. 

He is not fooled.

What am I going to do?

When I’ve left him with my mother or C-Dub, he just wont eat.  Luckily, I’ve only been gone for at the most 4 hours and I always fed him right before I left.  But when he sees that  I am not there, he just refuses the bottle.  Or puts up such a fuss, that you don’t even want to give it to him. I mean crying and looking sooo pitiful.  Like he’s saying,

 WHY WHY won’t you just give me what I want!!! 

C-Dub did get him to take it once.  I think he was just worn down.  And when he saw me again, he latched on for half the night.

Aye Dios Mio!

Any advice out there?

Uh Oh…….

Ok, I haven’t posted in a minute.  I have a lot to post about. 

Later.

But right now, I am sitting here, listening to the Pookah cry and trying not to go to him.

Why? Is this a cry it out situation?

Nope. 

Someone other than me is trying to feed him.

It isn’t working.

From the beginning, Pookah has had no problems in this area.  I was bragging that he would take the milk from anyone, anytime, anywhere.

But last week, I noticed that it took forever for him to take a bottle. I thought it was because I was in the room.

But then, today, my mother and father tried to give him a bottle while I was gone.

He screamed bloody murder.

I came home to a teary eyed, wildly upset 6 week old.  Who looked at me with accusation in his eyes like he was saying,

“Mom, what the fuck?”

Now, C-Dub, (who knows “everything” and therefore KNOWS he will take the bottle from him with no problem) is trying with the same results. 

My Pookah sounds so pitiful………………………………………..

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

I wanted to have some lovely Moscato Wine last night, had the bottle and everything.   C-Dub was a party pooper.  Didn’t even want to watch the ball drop on TV.  He had the baby upstairs and went to bed early.  I mean damn.  Can a sister get some ALCOHOL!! I had prepared and everything with three(count ‘em) three bottles of pumped milk!!!

ASSHOLE.

So this morning, I am gazing longingly at my bottle of unopened wine, wondering if it would make me a lush to have some for breakfast. 

 Moscato Mimosa’s anyone?

OK, moving on.

The Pookah is sleeping right now.  Blissfully, fully, not a peep.

  A pity he didn’t do that last night.

Yes, operation “Get Pookah to sleep on his back for more than 30 minutes” failed again last night.

I confess that part of this problem might be that when my mother was here, Pookah discovered that sleeping on his stomach was the best thing that had ever been introduced to him in his short life.  In the name of the dreaded tummy time, keeping that beautifully rounded head, and sleep I allowed it.  Of course, C-Dub brings this up at the 1 month appointment.  And the nurse practitioner goes on to bash sleeping on the tummy and scare C-Dub to death with SIDS rates in African-Americans(yes, they are higher).  So now, he absolutely refuses to put him on his stomach to sleep.  At all.  Not even during the day. 

Damn, DAMN, DAMN!!!!!

So, now of course, my poor Pookah is confused.  Wasn’t he just sleeping wonderfully on his bell-eh? 

Geez.  The sleep deprivation is killing me here.

The new breastfeeding rules are going.  I’ve noticed that I can feed him from one breast for 3, 4, 5  times, and he still has that milk drunk look on his face afterwards.  He still smacks his lips when he is done with satisfaction.  No green poops have been noted, in fact, there has been an “explosion” of wonderful breastfed, mustard colored poops.  He is staining less and seems to be less gassy.

I just wish this translated to more sleep dammit!

Moving on.

Last year at this time, I was deep in the debts of despair, trying to put on a happy face.  Trying to be normal.  2008 sucked. 2009 started sucky, but ended wonderfully with the birth of The Pookah.  He has turned what could have been yet another sucky year into a true blessing.  I am sooooooo grateful that I managed at least to keep that one resolution that I half jokingly made on 1/1/2008

My new years resolutions this year are simple:

1. Loose the baby weight.  I gained 38 pounds.  I’ve lost 31 of them.  Then there were those lovely 15 pounds I put on with the first pregnancy/miscarriage. Soooo, you do the math.  I am going to start running this year.  I’ve been saying this for a couple of years now, but this year, I’m going to do it!!!!  Plus, my sister-in-law says she is taking me to take Glamor shots around my birthday…………OMG!
2. Live below our means.  I mean really.  Both of us got laid off last year.  I think we need to reevaluate some of our spending, actually save some money( emergency fund anyone?) and start getting rid of my credit card debt once and for all.

So that’s that.  The Pookah is making “feed me” noises, so I must go.

Once again, HAPPY NEW YEAR!