20 WEEKS

Today, I am 20 weeks exactly.

WE ARE HALFWAY THERE!!!!!

I can’t believe we made it this far!! I am soooo excited. And still scared.

I woke up this morning in a state of panic.  I don’t know what it was, but I just couldn’t seem to settle all morning.  I had this impending feeling of doom all morning long.  I couldn’t stand it.  Finally, I gave in and went over to the ultrasound department.

“Please????I just need to hear the heartbeat.”

Luckily, they took pity on me.  I have a baby bigger than the ones they are used to seeing, so someone got to practice.

And my boy put on a show! He kicked and squirmed, and I was amazed that I can’t feel most of it.  It seems that he really likes to kick at my placenta.  REALLY!  But he was a active little one in there.  It was great, made my day.

I am halfway to the finish line with a 15 pound weight gain. 

5 months down, 4 to go.

But wait………

FOUR MONTHS TO GO!

I haven’t done anything!!

We haven’t picked a name, I haven’t cleaned out the nursery, we haven’t painted anything, I’ve only bought 3 items of clothing and nothing else!  Do I register now?

 Oh. My. God. 

 I think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown!

So much to do, really, so little time.

People keep saying, these 20 weeks have flown by haven’t they? 

Well no actually.  I feel like every week is dragging because I am literally watching the clock/calender/ticker.

I just want to be like other normal people and enjoy my pregnancy instead of worrying over every little thing.

But it’s OK.

Life is good right now.  My baby boy is still safe in my tummy, growing like he should.  C-Dub has a job, and is doing all the right things.  My sex drive has returned.  

I’m trying to be grateful, and enjoy every moment.  I’m trying not to focus so much of what could happen, and instead focus on what is happening. 

It’s hard.  But hey, I’ve still got a little time to work on it.

19 weeks 1 day and other stories…….

Happy 4th of July!!!!

Had the scare of the century last night.  I knew, JUST KNEW I was in preterm labor.  My back was hurting, my stomach was cramping(coming and going like labor) and I couldn’t sleep.  For one moment, everything about labor and delivery that I KNOW for a fact went out of my head, and I was just a scared Mommy thinking:

 Not again. Please Lord, not again.

But then, common sense took over:

It was 99 degrees here in Alabama(I’m visiting my Momma) and I had had, count ‘em,

1 glass of water.

All day long.

(Yes, slap me please.  Just. Slap.Me.)

So!

I got up and drank 32 oz of water in one sitting.  Needless to say, the cramping went away, and I spent the rest of the night peeing every 15 minutes. 

So, the moral of the story:

Rose’s Daughter will lug around a large gallon of water today and will drink on it all day long.

Sheesh.  I’m supposed to know better!

18 weeks 5 days

He Moved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was at work, leaning up against my desk(small belly leading of course) when out of the blue, I felt it:

Tap tap.

What the….??????

And unlike the other times, when I’ve wondered, is that it? Is that it?  This time, I knew, without a doubt, that my little boy was saying to me:

“Hey, what ever that is, it’s in my way!!!”

Then, it happened again, when I was standing up talking.  Just a swift kick right on my right side!

Wow!

I think I’m gonna cry.

Venting…..

OK really?  I am sooooo happy to be pregnant.  I am so grateful everyday that I wake up pregnant, with a growing, wiggling baby in my belly.

But hell.  Being fat is no joke.

I don’t care that I’m getting fat for a reason.

I don’t care that “supposedly” I will loose most of this weight postpartum while breastfeeding( yeah right.  That only happens to skinny girls)

No, I don’t feel sexy, no, I don’t feel like Earth Mother, No, I am not embracing my new girth.

And hell, I’m only 18 weeks! How am I going to deal with 40?!?!?!?!

I know I shouldn’t care, but after spending the last 15 or so years obsessing about my weight, it’s kind of hard to stop.

Oh well, just my fat girl vent for the day.

But I am grateful, thankful, and very happy to be here. 

I just needed to vent.

Oh, and P.S.

Go on over and keep Brown-Eyed Girl some company while she is in labor!  Good luck girl!!!!!

18 weeks 1 day

18 weeks!!!!

What’s new?

1. Had my one hour glucola test this week.  10 weeks early!  I did it at work, since we do have a Quest lab there and the girls  there are my friends.  It was naaaaaaasty.  Think super sweet Orange Fanta soda.

2. Discovered that my belly isn’t soft anymore.  I can FEEL my uterus.  Wow.

3.  The swelling continues.  But only in my feet.

4.  I cut down on the salt.  Except today when I  had bacon for breakfast.  Oh, and I am going to have Five Guys for dinner.

5.  We scrapped all the names from the baby list.  We’re starting over.  Who knew this would be so difficult?

6.  I continue to sweat in places I wasn’t aware sweated.

7.  C-Dub has repented from last week’s transgression.  He is no longer on my list.

That’s all that’s new this week.  Anyway, have a great weekend everyone!

 

edited later

Oh, and at work this morning, I ultrasounded myself.  Baby still wiggling, heart still beating! Yeah!

Michael Jackson…………………………..

A break from regularly scheduled programming……

Michael Jackson, my childhood crush, the greatest entertainer that ever lived, has died.

RIP Michael.  RIP.

Random thoughts

Ahhhhh, ladies.  You all make me laugh!

Hubby got the verbal beat down and promised to never  do it again.

Yeah right.  And of course, his car needed a new battery today.

Mo money, mo money, mo money.

That we don’t have, that is.

Anyway!

I got a massage today at work.  There is a girl at work who free lances as a massage therapist on the weekends.

All I can say is WOW! I am going to have to repeat the experience real soon. 

C-Dub is getting on my last nerve.  Yeah, that was random, but he just reminded me just now.

Anyway, I am anxiously awaiting movement from my child.  It’s  hard to wait.  I feel all sorts of twitches and pulling and stuff.  All of it or none of it could be Baby Boy Dub.  Who knows?

Anyway, that’s all for today.  Just random thoughts today.

Appointments and Other Things

So today, I had my monthly appointment at the midwife’s office.  These appointments are so quick, if I blink I miss them.  I saw my favorite midwife/friend today.  It’s sooooo wonderful to be taken care of by a friend.  I never feel ashamed to tell her anything. But anyway, nothing new, just a heartbeat check.  140s and running strong.  I’ve gained enough weight to bump my BMI way up.  But hey, what can I do?

Stop Eating?

Anyway, the BIG anatomy ultrasound is scheduled 3 weeks from now on July 15th.  I’ll be 20 + weeks.  Almost 21. 

Well, I’ve got to go discuss some money issues with the hubby.  He’s engaging in some habits I thought I broke him out of at the beginning of our marriage.  But I guess not. 

I hate confrontations over money. 

Damn it.

17 weeks 1 day

17 weeks and 1 day today.

Things that are out:

Fear.

My belly.

Regular clothes.

Sleeping on my back.

Hiding my pregnancy from my infertility patients.

Shoes.

Salt.

Walking to the subway from work.

Being lazy.

Things that are In:

Excitement!

Maternity clothes.

My body pillow.

Back pain.

Massages.

Water, water, water.

Elevating my feet at the end of the day.

Flip flops.

Driving to work everyday.

Bacon.( wait, that’s salt!)

Sitting quietly to see if I can feel the baby move.

Exercise.

Looking at baby boy clothes

Actually pricing baby items.

The first due date

Today is June 18th, 2009.

The official due date of my first pregnancy.

You know, I had almost forgotten.  When I had my D&C, I erased or crossed out ever reference to this day.  I even bought a new calender.   I consciously erased what this day was supposed to be from my mind.  But earlier this week, I remembered.  I feel bad.

You see, I have been torn all day about how I should feel.  It wasn’t the first thing that popped into my mind today.  Really.  The first thing that popped in my mind was,

“Wow, 16 weeks 6 days today.  I wonder what my little boy is doing in there?”

I feel guilty that I haven’t thought of that unborn child up until today for a long time.  I feel guilty for being happy today of all days.  I feel guilty because I am not sad.

Oh, I am sad in a “what if?” kind of way, but not sad, crying, depressed like I thought I would be today.  Like I think I should  be today.

Is it because I am pregnant again?  Would I have been able to get though this day if I wasn’t? 

I don’t know the answers to my own questions. 

I have been going through this day like a normal day.  Worrying about being on time for work, worrying about the swelling in my legs and feet, worrying about bills to pay, wondering what’s going on in my belly right now.  Just a normal day.

I feel guilty for that.

Because I am deliriously happy today.  My life is “almost” perfect.  Life is good.  I feel so so so blessed.  I am having a baby boy.

Does that negate the other child that I carried for 10 weeks 6 days?  I don’t think so.  I still think of that child.  And I think of what might of been.  I still question myself , wondering if I did anything wrong.  Could I have done anything differently? Why? Why did it happen to me?  Why my baby?  I am still struggling with blind faith that God has a plan, so these questions will always be there, and will always be unanswered.  I will always wonder, what if?

But for today, I am celebrating one child while morning another.   Will it be the same on the next due date?  When I hold my little boy in my arms, will I be thinking about the other?  I don’t know.  Honestly I don’t.  All I can do for now, is live in the moment. 

And this moment is a happy one.  One filled with joy, expectation, fear, celebration, and love.